Metamorphose.....!!!

I took a deep breath and woke up with a shudder....I could feel the air conditioning on my face, I felt thirsty and my throat was  dry, the small bulbs on the machines which showed the activity of my heart and body lit up the room. I felt heaviness in my head and wanted to tilt my head to look at the lights. The oxygen mask restricted my facial movements. There was no one around at least none I knew.

I felt blank, painful yet numb I knew I did not know anyone or remember anything. I came across a weird feeling which did not last every time I got it. I knew I did not have memory. I had just enough to realize I did not have memory.

 I did not know who was dependant on me, who would cry when I die or who was waiting for my electrocardiographic lights to be turned off. A slight movement of my cheek muscle a sly grin I had all the time in the world now....Death was a slow process. Anxiety just would not help. Anyways, I did not have anywhere else to go.

I remembered I had a good blessed beginning. Good things are always “Chosen” .Very few good things are “Given”. If something good is given than chosen then I believed we should be ever grateful.

I was grateful for my family. Before we are born we are given an opportunity to ride on the best sperm possible and reach the destination egg and start our longer journey from there.

I Chose the best Sperm and egg and was born on the Year Halley's Comet was visible to earth. I was born to a couple who were not chosen for 6 years of Marriage (maybe they did not try the first few years) I laughed!!

Childhood was low profile. I was not noticed like many; even I went to school and had friends. I was an average student. I had a small complex secretly. I felt I had the world's most forgettable face. I felt I was way too bland to be remembered. School and growing up always had late nights, early mornings, bad marks strain and unnecessary a lot of things.

Qualified as a Fashion Designer, and later being not dependant on anybody was what I dreamt of day and night. And finally that day came.

I did become a designer who did not want to be creating things .I wanted to meet people, talk, than create. I worked closely with Indian arts and fabrics where I nearly fell in love too. I was young and vain and uncertain of relationships.

I was jack of all trades and master of none. I could drive; swim, play guitar and piano...shake my leg to salsa and jive but all just out of curiosity.

When I fell in love I fell head over heels in love .That become my weakness too. Selfless and smitten by love. It was never politically correct or diplomatic or acceptable by society...I daintily did my hop step and jump in love.

The perfect synchronization of our differences became the beauty of our love. Could not spot one thing both of us liked or unanimously agreed to.

It did drift apart, intruders and invaders crossed our boundaries. Career graph went up and down and many a times crossed each other’s ways.

A perfect home happened. Buying a home and moving ahead the darker deeper paths alone I became not too accessible to many.

People around changed. The ones I knew my family and other small habits became new ones who did not know what my school uniforms were.

Old faces vanishing and new faces coming into life was scary at first but the existence is this world too was temporary.

I remember having a pin board with pictures of close friends but faces changed faster than the life of a photo.
It was never a difficulty to be in touch with anyone but we all did it only when the need arises.

In those times marriages didn’t happen like today. Many a few married falling in love but without the approval of their parents. But they did fall in love without their parent's consent!!!

I was unknowing smiling now as I remembered my favorite phase of life...but was interrupted by a nurse who stroked my hair (I hardly had any hair but I imagined to have thick black hair).what was important was the way I saw how I looked. I remembered loving myself so much always.
  
I wanted water, couldn’t tell her but she stroked my hair and asked me if I needed anything. If only I could tell her what I wanted...

I remembered the time I moved into my new house. I was scared to sleep alone. Even one small sound scared me. One thing I did not see around, but wanted to do to myself was love myself selflessly.

I wanted to keep me happy, be a dream chaser.

When I did not get married by social norms at the right age to the second person who came my way I shut my mind from listening to how difficult life was going to become when I grow old. Whoever said so also grew older with me and their partners. I saw married couples and secretly felt bad that it is awful to make someone tie the knot in turn make then liable to you. They had duties which were written rules.

Liability was a commitment I was afraid of!

I preferred to stay in my own comfort zone at least in this.

I loved my job. I had love for luxury. I had high aspirations for using the best shoes, bags, perfumes, cutlery and oldest of wines.
I loved my work and my passion towards it always paid off .I was well appreciated and respected at my job. I almost retired at the first few companies I worked with. When I joined work in my early twenties it was a company in its starting stages. Later it grew and tasted success.

My breathing pattern had become more rigorous. I struggled to get a satisfactory breath .I realized how we assumed that the next breath would just be there in our lives.

My daughter came along. Those were the happiest and the most crucial point of my life. I was busy with my life and my husband (my boyfriend then) was not willing to be liable to me. That did not stop me from wanting to be a mother. Little did I know that life was not that short after all.

Learning swimming when I was young was overcoming my biggest fear. I was asthmatic when I was in my teens. My biggest fear was death as a result of breathlessness.

Unlike in my twenties where there were a lot of drives, when i crossed a point where i had lived half of my entire lifespan then what were my sources of inspiration? I started noticing smaller things in life after running behind bigger materialistic goals. What were my fears and inhibitions? I came out of my revolutionary liberated thinking. Suddenly, a fear that the time has passed dawned on me. My monotony was eating me. I wanted to be a writer, I wanted to have a farm with animals and plants, and I wanted to be an organic enthusiast. When I was really young liked way back when I was in school I used to think that when I grow up I would buy a big bar of chocolate and have the whole thing all by myself. When I grew up I did not want that whole bar of Chocolate! Though I did not enjoy it, it did quench my thirst.

I hated the patterns that were imposed on us. I did stretch my rules to my comfort and no regrets. I did things which were humane.

I missed new relationships for support and intimacy.? I felt void though my business grew and I had multiple sources of income. Life was abundant.

I travelled saw many unseen and unheard cities.

When I saw my daughter tread the paths I went through and wanted to tread it was like seeing a small deer learn how to walk. She was not small to the world. She made me proud or was it just me who was at ease.

Later when I started living the second half of my life it was getting in terms with the society and rules. The newer generation scared me. Fear of death caused apprehensions.

But later it didn’t really matter what happens after it. I quite knew it was going to be something exciting.

For the path I was allowed to walk here on earth I knew I would find a beautiful place on heaven too.

A longer new journey ….